And Then There’s Me…

Posted by: Alison Chisnell on: December 28, 2011

• In: Blogs | Family | HR | Learning | Reflection
• 5 Comments

Writing a post myself for my own blog, now there’s something I haven’t done for a while… 😉

I had anticipated writing this post far earlier in December, although even now, as I emerge from the cosy family cocoon that is Christmas, but not yet in the full, bright lights of the New Year, I am far from clear about what I want to say. That the Highlights and Horrors themed Advent calendar blogs captured your imaginations and produced the wonderful guest posts that it did, is truly a highlight in its own right. And whilst it has undoubtedly raised the bar rather uncomfortably high, it feels rather like cheating to get all of you to tell me yours, without sharing mine.

It would be easy to write purely about work. This year, as no other I have experienced professionally, has been a rollercoaster and has stretched me at times beyond my perceived limits and abilities.  I wrote about my year here and it continued much in the same chaotic vein. The personal and professional learnings have been huge and yet, it has been only in the last months of 2011 that I have even started to understand the impact that I have on my team, the positive and negative shadows that are cast by the leader, both by what is done and what is overlooked and omitted. How blinkered we can be at times in the eye of the storm and how easy it is to place limits on our achievements and potential by self-doubt, preconceptions and lack of confidence.

It would also be straightforward to write about home, about my children and how they have developed and grown throughout 2011, what I have learnt by watching, teaching, nurturing them. Both work and home are only part of the story…or should be. Where I have struggled most this year, is in remembering, finding and listening to the rather neglected part of me that is separate from my work and home identities…and that is simply, me. I don’t believe I am alone in this quandary; it may be more common amongst women than men, but whilst one is so busy just keeping everything going; delivering at work, caring for young children and keeping pace with life itself, it is easy to fall into the trap of defining oneself purely by one’s work and one’s children.

T.S.Eliot wrote that “it is the journey and not the arrival that matters”. As I have started to take small steps to reclaim the ‘me’ part of my identity this year, that gives me reason for hope, optimism and reassurance. Sometimes, just acknowledging the issue is the first big step to starting to solve it. So, I took a couple of international trips this year, which I would previously have declined, I joined a book club with friends and on pretty much every front I’m a work in progress. But that’s OK, I think…at the end of the day, whether we choose to admit it or not, that’s what we all are.

Next year? I’d like to be able to consolidate more, to become better and more skilled at being a leader, at balancing work and home, at continuing to find, safeguard and grow the bit that is really ’me’ outside of the roles of work and home…perhaps to move beyond conscious competence (and at times conscious incompetence!) into something altogether more compelling and brilliant. And I’d like to work out at least one amazing thing that I’d love to achieve, just for me.

So, that’s me. I wish you a last few happy days of 2011 and a wonderful, healthy and prosperous New Year.